It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be upset.

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be upset.

We are currently occupying a world in which we grant no 'hello's' or 'goodbye's' - we are isolated from those we love and cherish. We are halved.  This is the first time since the whole outbreak I have felt the devastation and impact it has caused.

On the 2nd April 2020 9am, I got THE call from my mam. Dec our beloved best friend for fourteen years had the worst night yet and it was time. His time had been set for 3pm.... it did draf. I cried a river and half, watching the clock tick by feeling hopeless and useless.

The thing is I was not regretting that we made the decision to let him go to a more peaceful place, after all from day one the vets had insisted he would not live past his first birthday.

The stubborn bugger proved them all wrong! So we are blessed to have gotten the fourteen years - but it does not make it any easier.

He was daft as a brush and we needed him just as much as he needed us.

I have took his lost like a car crash - at high speed barrelling towards a steel enforced wall. His just a dog why be dramatic? His not just a dog though. He was our best friend. He was the one who comforted me in my most darkest  days. 

He would kiss the tears away. He would comfort me at night, scaring the dark dream away.

When I found out when I was pregnant, guess who stayed right by my side not judging me an ounce? when all my other ' mates abandoned me?' DEC. 

He cuddled right in giving me a soft wet, nose whisker nudge to get right back up. He gave me strength and I got up taking him for four walks a day.

My favourite memory was after an exhausting day of studying, staying active and doing numerous trips to the hospital was the snuggling at night. We would curl up and he would lay on my bump as if to say 'we got this'. Only when he managed to dose off would he be woken up with a powerful nudge. He would look up and around, narrow on the bump, sigh and lay back down---- only to be nudged again. That is when he would grunt and change position. <3

'He fixed me without ever uttering a word- but I guess dogs are smart like that.'

Dec was a warrior! His battle did not stop at us, but it expanded onto the next generation.

My Daughter Sienna, with his heart of gold , as soon as I brought Sienna home from the hospital and placed her down he greeted her to this world with one of the most predacious gifts - His Love, leaving a wet nose kiss on her heart and a forever friend ship promised.

Dec took Sienna under his wing. He showed her to be gentle, patient and to always care and love. Sienna always fell asleep with Dec, and sought him out for comfort. He taught her to always give him treats (cheeky bugger). He taught her to throw a ball, to play football and kept her on her toes at the park.  He was the first person to buy for on our Christmas list, she would even go as making or buying him a card. - She loved him dearly. 

Then came along Jacob - who hated his personal space invaded but compromised with the old man. He showed my boy to love and be patient and it does not matter on size. He gave Jacob his first belly-breathless laugh when he came to visit and had his daft hour at Jacob's first home.

Then along came Coby - the last gran child he would get to meet. The last grandchild to shed love on our best friend. To sneakily share his food his golden years. To smile so brightly when he seen his four legged friend.

'Terrified to forget'

The irony of grief is the person you need the most is the one that has grew their wings. I have lost a close friend and although it was expected (soon but not too soon) a piece of my heart is forever broken. 

The most hardest part of loosing Dec is the way my entire world will change with out him. There will no more cuddles, there will be no more high fives, squeaky barks, a filled home when visiting my mam.  

No I am not sad for letting him find peace - I am angry I did not get to say goodbye. I am angry because I was not able to hold his paw as he took his last breath in the arms of his loved ones. I am sad because he went in the vets with a stranger and did not come back out. I am sad he is gone forever.

I am angry. I am sad.

I did not get my goodbye and I could not thank him for all that he has done for me or my family.

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be upset - it is ok to feel and let your emotions explode in these hard times.

I just hope he knew how cherished and loved he really was.

I am so sorry we could not be there for you.

Fly high over that rainbow bridge my Dec.

Love your big sis!

xxxx