Autism is not a parenting fail!

 Autism is not a parenting fail! 

Treating your little HUMANS with respect and care is not a parenting fail. Getting down on their level, sympathising and helping them understand and work through their raw emotions is what any decent parent/person should do.

Giving them boundaries but allowing them to express themselves is not being a shit parent. Its allowing them to grow up in a way that they will soar from. They will learn the natural consequences and learn to communicate rather than withdraw and fear being told off. It allows the child to reach out when they are in need of help. You are their safe space. That is what I WANT and that is what i GET.

Autism is not a child being difficult/naughty!

I never thought in a million years I would have to state it.  Then again, I never thought in a million years I would have to comfort my little boy because he has heard certain words/phrases from his ‘loved one(s)’.  I never thought my wild, care free, loving little boy would be exposed to such negativity. 

And yet he has.

He complained of not feeling very well – but I knew it wasn’t a physical illness.  I wrapped my arms around his little body, and he put his head over my heart. We sat still.

‘ Mam I’m the naughty one aren’t I?  I heard them mam - i heard them say a lot.’

My heart dropped and broke into little pieces.

My heart ached for him.

Because although I and others love every inch of him and show him this on a day to day basis. Others have nuclear blasted his light out with just a few words that should never have been said, and that he shouldn’t have heard.

Why?

Because they choose to be ignorant, lazy ,closed off and judgmental. They choose to compare him. They choose to ignore his contagious laughter, his honesty, his loving and caring character, his energetic 100mph personality and his colourful vision on the world.

Yes it is exhausting (metally and physically),and it can be hard but you know what? I am so fucking proud of him. I am proud of my self - because i know im doing a way better job than how you brought your children/child up!

So as I’ll cuddle him that little bit extra, build his self esteem and confidence back up and love him ---ALL of him.

I shout out to you FUCK OFF.

Because we don’t need you or your negativity.

You will be the one losing out – not us. 

Love

One pissed off Mamma Bear

x

50/50 relationship bullshit.

'A relationship is 50/50' - Not!

I hear the phrase more often than not, and maybe you have heard it too. Unfortunately it is one of those phrases that gets passed around as a passing comment without actually knowing any real details or only knowing one side of the said relationship. 

I see through colour, what do you see through?

With that being said let me ask you a question.

What scale do you look through?

1) Is it the classic black and white? 

2) Do you have grey in your scale?

You are probably asking why does it matter? I will tell you why It matters because everyone perceives moments/ situation/things differently. For example my scale is coloured. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

However, there was a time I only viewed things in the restricted black and white.

 

When I was young I had always promised my self never to settle with anyone who does not give me 50/50 in a relationship. Little did I know I had already condemned my thirteen year old ass to fail.  Why? Because that  expectation is set remarkably high, not just for my future partner but also for my future self.

'A healthy relationship should be a support system 100%. '

With that being said can you imagine the pressure you place on yourself to make sure you were always one hundred percent to give your fifty percent in the relationship? 

Based on a 50/50 relationship you are assuming you both share the same strength physically and mentally. 

What if one of youse are ill?
What if you suffer a mental illness?
What if you work shifts or away?
What if you are tired?
What if you can't do it?
What if you don't have time?
What if you are not in a financially steady position?
What if it does not come naturally?
What if physically you can you do it?
What if they are unable to change?

'A relationship being 50/50 is one of the biggest misconceptions ever to surface. '

Can you see how being in relationship may be viewed as a burden? It's like a contest, who ever does XYZ gets one more score to become the winner. Why would you want that? In a relationship you are suppose to  be a team, that means when one member of the team is falling behind or needs a rest the other picks up the slack.  

Although youse are equal in the same breath you are not. You will both have different weaknesses and strengths. The key is to utilise your strengths and support each others weaknesses.  

But...…

You can only become a team if youse communicate and that involves LISTENING as well as SPEAKING.

Ditching the 50/50 relation gives you time to focus on other areas of your relationship that comes from the busy schedule of 50/50. Like you should never assume they feel loved.  So send them a message, show them, Whispers those three words in their ear. Scream it from the roof tops. 

You need to be honest with your self and others. So don't assume they know your emotions or thought process. Tell them. Share them. Because that bridge you are wanting too build needs two sides for it to be successful.

It takes time to find peace, it takes time to understand, it takes time to learn. We all learn at different paces. All you can do is;

Always be kind.
Always try your hardest.
Always be honest.

& things will work out if they are meant too be.

Choi!

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be upset.

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be upset.

We are currently occupying a world in which we grant no 'hello's' or 'goodbye's' - we are isolated from those we love and cherish. We are halved.  This is the first time since the whole outbreak I have felt the devastation and impact it has caused.

On the 2nd April 2020 9am, I got THE call from my mam. Dec our beloved best friend for fourteen years had the worst night yet and it was time. His time had been set for 3pm.... it did draf. I cried a river and half, watching the clock tick by feeling hopeless and useless.

The thing is I was not regretting that we made the decision to let him go to a more peaceful place, after all from day one the vets had insisted he would not live past his first birthday.

The stubborn bugger proved them all wrong! So we are blessed to have gotten the fourteen years - but it does not make it any easier.

He was daft as a brush and we needed him just as much as he needed us.

I have took his lost like a car crash - at high speed barrelling towards a steel enforced wall. His just a dog why be dramatic? His not just a dog though. He was our best friend. He was the one who comforted me in my most darkest  days. 

He would kiss the tears away. He would comfort me at night, scaring the dark dream away.

When I found out when I was pregnant, guess who stayed right by my side not judging me an ounce? when all my other ' mates abandoned me?' DEC. 

He cuddled right in giving me a soft wet, nose whisker nudge to get right back up. He gave me strength and I got up taking him for four walks a day.

My favourite memory was after an exhausting day of studying, staying active and doing numerous trips to the hospital was the snuggling at night. We would curl up and he would lay on my bump as if to say 'we got this'. Only when he managed to dose off would he be woken up with a powerful nudge. He would look up and around, narrow on the bump, sigh and lay back down---- only to be nudged again. That is when he would grunt and change position. <3

'He fixed me without ever uttering a word- but I guess dogs are smart like that.'

Dec was a warrior! His battle did not stop at us, but it expanded onto the next generation.

My Daughter Sienna, with his heart of gold , as soon as I brought Sienna home from the hospital and placed her down he greeted her to this world with one of the most predacious gifts - His Love, leaving a wet nose kiss on her heart and a forever friend ship promised.

Dec took Sienna under his wing. He showed her to be gentle, patient and to always care and love. Sienna always fell asleep with Dec, and sought him out for comfort. He taught her to always give him treats (cheeky bugger). He taught her to throw a ball, to play football and kept her on her toes at the park.  He was the first person to buy for on our Christmas list, she would even go as making or buying him a card. - She loved him dearly. 

Then came along Jacob - who hated his personal space invaded but compromised with the old man. He showed my boy to love and be patient and it does not matter on size. He gave Jacob his first belly-breathless laugh when he came to visit and had his daft hour at Jacob's first home.

Then along came Coby - the last gran child he would get to meet. The last grandchild to shed love on our best friend. To sneakily share his food his golden years. To smile so brightly when he seen his four legged friend.

'Terrified to forget'

The irony of grief is the person you need the most is the one that has grew their wings. I have lost a close friend and although it was expected (soon but not too soon) a piece of my heart is forever broken. 

The most hardest part of loosing Dec is the way my entire world will change with out him. There will no more cuddles, there will be no more high fives, squeaky barks, a filled home when visiting my mam.  

No I am not sad for letting him find peace - I am angry I did not get to say goodbye. I am angry because I was not able to hold his paw as he took his last breath in the arms of his loved ones. I am sad because he went in the vets with a stranger and did not come back out. I am sad he is gone forever.

I am angry. I am sad.

I did not get my goodbye and I could not thank him for all that he has done for me or my family.

It is ok to be angry. It is ok to be upset - it is ok to feel and let your emotions explode in these hard times.

I just hope he knew how cherished and loved he really was.

I am so sorry we could not be there for you.

Fly high over that rainbow bridge my Dec.

Love your big sis!

xxxx

the truth about BIG life changes

 

Listen up Peeps-

Here's the truth about BIG life changes: 

Some people won't come with you

& That’s Okay!

Whether it was a couple of days or years -  cherish the time they stood at your side They helped shape you into the person you are today whether it was by negative or positive effect.

You need to understand some people are made to play small roles in your adventure and that is all. Your big events will sieve those people out a little at a time - yes it will be devastating, and yes you will be ok. But unfortunately this cannot be prevented.

I have recently went through this. Me + Huge Event  = a friend loss. This is why I hate equations. I am still alive. How?

Like any good reader I craved the perfect ending. So I refused to leave things unsaid and was honest. I called them out, I listened to their side and I moved on, drawing their attention that the situation may cause our friendship to go sour and I would not allow that.

Each problem has many solutions, the tricky part is picking one we are happy to use and not feel an ounce of guilt when we deliver it.

So from my six years of being in the 'big bad world' I have came up with three simple steps that allow me to live to my full potential;

1) Always GO after what you want, otherwise you will never have it.

2) Always ASK , otherwise the answer will always be NO.

3) Take the step FORWARD, otherwise you be ALWAYS be in the same place.

Simple. Right?

Wrong!

It is only simple if you do not make excuses for yourself.

& that is going to be hard, especially with the world we live in to do with so many direct/indirect social and media pressures.

So go easy on yourself, and fly when YOU are ready.

Really think about what you truly want.

& remember; 

The PAST is there to TEACH , the FUTURE is their as a GUIDE, the PRESENT is a gift for NOW.

So go and live your life how you want!

Screw anyone else!

You will gain and loose people all your life.

Are you up for the CHALLENGE?

Are you up for the CHALLENGE?

Judgement is the burden we all carry.

It cause a fluctuation in ours/others emotions; But it does not stop us from weaponizing the thing we fall victim too.

"The more you judge the less you love"

It doesn't matter what we do, we are judged regardless.  I felt it more when I became a parent - a teen parent - cue the gasp!  Society stitches us up already before we have even begun designing our pattern. Are we a failure before we even start? It is unfair especially when judgement is a shitty action that bring someone down when advice or a helping hand can make them soar. We drag each other down and why? to feel better or is it because we are stuck in our own rut?

So hear me out, a few examples of when I was judged are listed below;

1) Being a parent!  that was all it took for me to be judged by others. I was a teenager responsible for another life. I had head shakes , tuts and quite a few remarks in situations I found challenging. But the one that annoyed me the most was "It has got to be hard being a young mam?' they would speak it as a question but underneath the layers it was their statement. When is becoming a parent any easier? 29 ? 40+? a first time parent is always difficult, your body is changing for the first time. Your relationships are challenged , friends will leave or stay no matter your age. Its ludicrous to even think a teenage parent cares or can do less based on their age. We love too. If anything becoming a teen mam made me that much more determined to sort my shit out...….because if I failed it would not just effect me. Luckily I researched and read loads of CRAP.

2) Going to Uni! Deciding to still chase my career even though my daughter was two weeks old. I crammed it all together because I did not want to let her down. I was away from her a couple of hours every week for 3 days as I got my timetable crammed together. I got judged for going to uni …….. but I would have been judged if I became a stay at home mum on benefits or a working mum. SHOCKER!!!!

3) Breast feeding / Bottle feeding the huge debate that turned nations against other. Jokes. Whether you are a parent or not there must be at some point in your life you have heard this debate. 

those that fail breastfeeding promote 'fed is best', and I failed breastfeeding after a couple of months...… but I disagree fed is not best it is minimal. No hate on formula/bottle fed but science speaks louder.

4) How I parent. I kid you not! I have never seen so many labels slapped on something so broadly. so you have a couple of categories, I am mainly gentle parenting I do not believe in hitting, crying it out, screaming, isolating (timeout/ naughty step) name calling my children. I know crazy right? But everyone to their own. ---- I've lost count at how many times someone has suggested a firm hand will stop my sons outburst. Yes it would as he would be utterly shocked if he seen his mother, guardian , protector ,friend slap you! why would I voluntary hurt my child because he isn't coping with something most adults cant even cope with? No I shall sit and be there for when he chooses to speak to me about those scary feelings.

5) Diet Shout out to the omnivores, carnivores, herbivores, and vegans!!!! Heyyyyyy. Just feed your child a healthy balanced diet and when they are old enough to decide what they want to eat they will. Why judge on something so small?

6) Screen time Urgh like how pathetic.

7) Partner or Alone or co-parent? What the hell has it got to do with you? How does this effect your parenting? 

You will get judged on absolutely everything. The best advice, if you question your own actions then do your research, ask for advice but do not take any notice to those that judge you!!

P.S to all you sucker that condemn us young parent for failing 'I did a god damn fucking good job of raising my babies'.

Peace Out Beauts!

Sometimes they just need us!

Do you ever feel like you are constantly under attack from your miniature armies? You go to the toilet and all of a sudden you see their fingers sliding underneath the door? Or how about you run a bath for yourself; you go to wash your hair and then BAM! There are now three in the bath.

I will be honest, sometime I just so fed up of having no ‘me’ time, and no time to chill. Before having children I thought it was my right to have private moment? Are you laughing? It is funny right? What an unrealistic expectation!  Sometimes I would try and put the children to bed after some hugs, milk and a bed time story…..It all goes to plan until it is time to sleep?

Before I became a parent, I expected my future children to fall asleep instantly without any help.  I expected them to handle their emotion by themselves. To never whine or ‘cry’ for no reason….. Little did I know back then that my children would teach me several things!  I have come to learn; these moments of your children needing you will not last forever. I have come upon the answer that fits every situation, every whine, cry, and the moments they ‘seek’ you out…..

Sometimes they just need you.

It is as simple as that. Sometime they do just need you. What you have to think about is becoming a parent has so many super powers….  Especially everything that is considered comfort. Who would have thought you could stop a massive tantrum by cuddling it out and getting down to their level and spending a couple of minutes to talk about their emotions?  In the present it may seem that those times happen all too often and can drag…..but all you have to do is blink and your 6 month old teething baby is now a toddler who is independent.

You may get annoyed because you need to make this doctor’s appointment and you child want an extra minute hugging. Take the offer! Because like I have said it will not last forever, at some point they will become rare---and offered as little as possible…..because they are growing up.  So take the time to listen to them and they will return the favour and be thankful! I never thought at 11pm I would be getting a check-up...... but following through with this request it put her mind at rest knowing I was only a little bit poorly. You need to pick your battles!

After a hard long day at work, sometimes I need those five minutes to chill and recharge…..but you know who else need that time to recharge? Yes you have guessed your children, school or nursery is just as exhausting. Why can’t you’se spend it together?

I may be criticised by ‘gentle’ methods of parenting, but I do not care. I do not smack, because I do not want my children to fear me. I do not scream, because I want my children to know they can discuss anything with me. I will lay with children in bed whether it is mine or there’s until they fall asleep, because I am there protector, whether it is from their overactive imagination, or whether they have missed me. I will continue to take some time in the middle of tantrums to explain the situation and discuss their feeling. Also if I was wrong to act in a particular way I will apologise and we will work together to better both of our behaviours. It may seem small to us but they need help understanding…. Lack of control may scare them, I know It scares me . Sympathise with them it will help make things click into place. So I will continue to take the time to understand and comfort my children even though sometimes I really do want those few minutes alone because

Sometimes they just need us!

so take a deep breath and enjoy the love!

You have got this momma!

From a momma still learning!

The unavoidable breakdown

All Parents have a break down at some point….. Mine was today!

The break down came from nowhere --- well I guess it was build up after all you don’t explode for no reason….. Right?

Taking a minute to reflect on this morning i cannot pinpoint what went wrong, or why I broke down…I assume it was the build-up of everything that’s been thrown at me… My health deteriorating and Battling with myself (work but missing being a stay at home mom). Then my daughter is having difficulty managing her emotions, and the change circumstances --- Then there’s my son who is a Velcro toddler, and we have just took his dummy off him. I guess thinking about it now; I should have seen the odds against me. I should have prepared myself and at least attempted to find a solution.

After a few issues this morning sienna ended up in her room. I heard her scream and then burst into tears…..Dad would say she gets that trait from me, i tend to disagree. When I went upstairs I asked if she would like to talk… ‘No’ was her answer! 

So i told her when she felt like talking i am here. However, Being rejected and knowing she didn't want to talk to me, made me upset. So i went to my room, out the way of my kids and partner. At first I was ashamed as I sank down the wall in tears, shaking and screaming at the tops of my lungs to let my emotions out. After a few minutes, after i settled myself it hit me sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough. Letting your emotions out is a way to heal, it clears your mind, and it helps you start again. I felt crap, eyes stinging, dry throat, and tired but i felt clear.

Ten minutes later a little lady came in, and wanted a ‘huggle’, I obliged, we both needed it. After sobbing together, talking and apologizing for exploding, my little lady surprised me “it’s okay mammy, you never ever should hide it” and she is right! What sort of role model would I be to hide my emotions from her when I always discuss and cheer her on for sharing hers? I was been put right.....by my 3 year old daughter, and i couldn't be happier. She could have chosen to tell me off, or to tell me to shut up, but instead she noticed i was sad, and told me never to hide my feelings. How can anyone help you if your not willing to share your problems? My daughter was willing to comfort me despite seeing me fall apart and act like shes never witnessed before.....That small show of love made all the difference.....

And then I fell apart and it was the most beautiful moment ever, because right then, I realized that I could put the pieces back together the way I wanted them.  If my daughter could pick herself up, I could do it.  So I calmed down, and told myself; I will breathe, I will think of a solution! I will not let my worry control me! I will not let stress break me! I will simply breathe, and it will be okay. Because I do not quit! I have two adorable, loving children looking up to me. I am there superhero, and I will not be beaten!

So what I’m trying to say is a bad moment, a bad day, even a bad week, does not make you a bad parent.  A child fills a place in your heart that you never knew was empty. So breathe, they will give you a reason to get back up, and fight.

Being a parent isn’t easy, we are allowed break downs. It is the hardest yet the most rewarding experience ever.  ‘Sometimes you have to experience the bad to appreciate the good that enter your life.’

 I can promise you, getting back up after falling feels amazing!

You have this!

Love A Momma Bear Finding her way!